Revenge of the Nerds

Remember high school? I do (well, bits and pieces here and there). A couple of weeks ago, I talked to an old high-school buddy I hadn't seen in a few years at Yates' Deli, and the very same day I talked to another high-school classmate at Wal-Mart, and I then realized that next year will mark twenty years since I graduated from Philadelphia High School. I didn't attend my ten-year class reunion, so I told my wife I'd like to go to my twentieth--but what if there wasn't one? What if, since attendance was so poor (or so I'd heard) at our ten-year reunion, that the powers that be decided not to have a twentieth? Oh, noes!

I could not allow that to happen, so I got out both the phonebook and our senior yearbook, and I was determined to make some phone calls and start this tornado rolling. As I was flipping through our yearbook, looking at the senior portraits and other random photos, I realized...I might not really want to see all of these people again! Browsing through the yearbook jogged not only memories of days gone by, but it also dredged up the bad feelings, ill will, resentment, petty jealousies, and hostility I'd had toward some of my classmates since as far back as elementary school. Slightly immature, ya think? Hold a grudge much?

Well, a-yeah! Wouldn't you?

I mean, while I was studying scholarly materials, these muscleheads were working out with weights. While I was completing classwork, these lotharios were wooing women. While I was analyzing foreign films, these idiots were shotgunning beer. While I was practicing my musical rudiments, these tone-deaf turds were combing their hair to Rick Astley. I was insulted, shunned, picked on by the brainless bleached blondes and their duck-tailed, tanned, sockless, collar-popping boyfriends. The shame! The humanity! I was better than them all, and in time, I was gonna prove it!

Where does that leave me now? Have those low-lifes yet realized the error of their ways? No! I still need to throw my scholarly success in their face! I can do it, too, for now--twenty years later--I am a teacher! Ha! That'll show 'em.

I can't wait for the reunion, now. I'm getting on the horn tomorrow, and I'll have the entire shin-dig arranged by the end of the week. Heck, I'll even throw in my DJ services for free, and no one can resist a free DJ. They won't be able to refuse. They'll have to come. They must. There must be a reckoning! The hammer must fall!