Something Cryptid This Way Comes

A few days ago, I read about a Texas school district's decision to allow their teachers to carry firearms in classroom in order to defend themselves against intruders. My wife and I began discussing this circumspect judgment when I saw the news item about the deputy from another Texas town capturing footage of el chupacabra:


...and then it hit me--the real reason the school district is allowing their teachers to carry firearms isn't so that they can protect themselves and their students from school shootings; it's so that they can protect themselves and their students from el chupacabra! In that one Texas town, there have been two sightings of el chupacabra two consecutive years, back to back, in a row! A woman from Cuero, Texas discovered el chupacabra last year, only to have her finding debunked as a mere coyote. What's interesting to note about the coyote classification is the scientists' statement that the beast's DNA is nearly identical to that of the coyote. Nearly. Meaning, not exact. Not scientific. In addition, the scientists could not explain the complete loss of hair.

One more item to ponder: the video footage above was shot in Dewitt (Hey, Grandpa, how you doin'? Thanks for those tomatoes you and Grandma left on top of my truck the other day) County. Guess where Dewitt's county seat is? No, Penny, it's not in the driver's side of my grandfather's RV (and no, Nicholas, we can't buy an RV this year); it's Cuero! My opinion on this matter: it's a cover-up, people. It's Area 51, Texas style.

Ooh, snap, just deduced something else. El chupacabra originated from Puerto Rico, the first documented sightings occuring in 1974 (though the first widespread pictures and reports began in 1995). Somehow or another, possibly by some tourist believing the creature was just too cute to leave
on the island and deciding to smuggle a couple of them back home, el chupacabra began attacking farm animals--goats, predominantly--in Mexico. The first documented American sighting began in 1996. What happened, then, between '74 and '96? Migration. From Mexico up to Cuero, Texas, the bloodsucking critters have traveled. Harrold, Texas--where sits the gun-toting Texas teachers--is only 450 miles north of Cuero, and I believe the school board knew that it was only a short matter of time before el chupacabra traveled up their way, and thereby enacted a pre-emptive strike: let's shoot 'em before they get us, and let's shoot 'em before the pesky media ever uncovers any evidence. Nothing to see here, m'am, 'cept my gun. Looks all nice and shiny, don't it? Wanna take a closer look? Here's the barrel!