The 333 Best Pop Songs of the 2000s: #264

#264: "Smile" (2006) - Lily Allen

Highlighting and culminating what I now realize is unofficially women's week here on the charts (as I truly didn't realize that all five songs this week were by female artists until I started writing this) British singer, songwriter, talk-show host, and socialite Lily Allen uses her charm, her native accent, and her sweet singing voice to contrastingly ironic effect in what is perhaps the cruelest song on this chart and one of the funniest kiss-offs in pop-music history. At first listen (at least to me), "Smile" seems like some innocuous ditty--pop-music pablum--elevator music. I thought it was catchy, I found Allen's voice charming, and I liked the pop-reggae beat...and I casuall dismissed it. Then, several months after the fact, I listened to the lyrics. Wow! Allen's vindictive with a witty streak, and her producers support that wit by offering that bright, breezy, easy-going electro-pop-reggae beat, which Allen uses to make the lyric sting. Her poison is so pretty here, that she could be Tuesday Weld.

BTW: Carrie Underwood and Lil' Tia? This is how you make a revenge record.

The 333 Best Pop Songs of the 2000s: #265

#265: "Milkshake" (2003) - Kelis

About fifteen years ago, I took a break from college, and during that time away from scholarly activity, I took a job as a sodajerk (and prescripton-delivery boy) at a local pharmacy. Since part of my job entailed making milkshakes, naturally I had to dispense many a milk jug, and I did so the way my mom taught me: take off the top, squeeze the jug flat, replace the top, and then throw it away; that method saved space. Well, after a month or so on the job, one of my co-workers (who'd been at the pharmacy for ten or fifteen years at the time) saw me flattening and trashing a milk jug in the garbage can underneath the counter. She exhaled an audible huff and marched down the aisle from the back of the store. She reached down into the garbage, grabbed the flattened milk jug, and shook it in my face, saying, "This is not where this goes! This goes in the back! In the back!"

I was shocked. Just as she turned, I asked her if the pharmacy recycled, and if the recycled products went in the back. She said, "No! We don't!" She shook the jug in my face again, growled, and stomped off to the back of the store, where she slammed the milk jug into the trash can and shouted (from across the store), "That is where it goes!" She then went out the back door, slamming it as well. I then noticed that all the customers in the store were staring at me. I was embarrassed. They looked at me like they were expecting a response. I didn't know what to say, so I just shrugged my shoulders and went back to the counter at the front of the store, and I thought to myself "Someone should write a song about this," and "I need to finish college so that I can get a job that pays me well enough to be treated this way."

Well, I did go back to college, I do get paid more to be treated that way by fellow employees, and someone did write a song about that situation--the Neptunes. The Neptunes are former high-school band mates Pharrell and Chad Hugo, and their signature sound often features inorganic, sometimes spacey, synthesizer and synthesize drum patterns (though the drums are often first recorded live, as Pharrell was a drummer), all of which give their electro-funk a less-earthy Parliament feel, as if George Clinton had taken to space on the Mothership and made his records from there. Sometimes, their music can sound, uh, canned: compressed and claustrophobic, funk filtered through tin, giving their records a low bitrate-type sound--lo-fi funk--that works wonders on the dance floor, as the funk has no place left to go (as their spacey records have no space)--no ether in which to escape, so it lands in the dancer and reverberates within.

In "Milkshake," the Neptunes enlist R&B singer Kelis (who first appeared on ODB's "Got Your Money" and solo-debuted with the Neptunes in "Caught Out There," both from 1999), and she cooly plays the vamp, bringing a seductive heat to the Neptunes cold, hard, electro-funk, singing a melody that's completely inescapable, and loosening up the song ever so slightly and carefully (isn't that what a tease is supposed to do?). Though the lyrics mention schoolboys (garnering for that weird, fetishist, Britney-Spears-in-Catholic-uniform vibe), Kelis doesn't sing 'em immaturely; she's like the vixen, the one smarter than everyone, in some lost film noir. She's spiked the cream in her milkshakes, concocted with the Neptunes that perfect blend of come-on and not-just-yet. Kelis brings 'em in, and the Neptunes funk keeps them out, and it's that give and take, that flow, that makes this record a hit no matter how many times you've heard it. Kelis keeps making her milkshake, and the Neptunes keep throwing the milk carton in the wrong trashcan. Every time. Something's got to give.

The 333 Best Pop Songs of the 2000s: #266

#266: "Add Your Light to Mine" (2007) - Lucky Soul

From one great Britpop soul song to another, but this time, we dip further south to Londontown to pick up Ali Howard and her group with the swinging horns and the lightly crunchy guitars, more classic American soul pop (think Dusty Springfield...uh, wait, she was British, too...right? Right) than Camera Obscura's indie soul pop, a little bit more supper-club, a little bit catchier, a little bit more sheen and gloss (and that's not always a bad thing), though a bit less political (though that's not always a bad thing, either).

If Dusty had a less sultry voice, and sang the Supremes or the Vandellas in the modern era, it might sound like this wonderful pop song, which should have been a major hit in the UK (it wasn't) if not at least a minor one here (didn't chart anywhere else, either). The song's wonderfully written, too (as is the entire album The Great Unwanted), and this would have been a hit forty years ago, for any soul chanteause or girl group, and it would have been playing on classic pop radio and commercials for years to come. Alas, radio ain't what it used to be, but, fortunately, the quality of the songs out there--if you listen for 'em--are as great now as they ever have been. Evidence of this? Just listen to this one, and you'll want Ali Howard to add her light to yours every single spin.

The 333 Best Pop Songs of the 2000s: #267

#267: "Lloyd, I'm Ready to Be Heartbroken" (2006) - Camera Obscura

This answer song--twenty-two years after-the-fact--begins with a dour, somber, church organ, and then it kicks into gear, roaming the warm Glasgow countryside of life, looking at the world through partially rose-colored glasses. Back in 1984, the Glasgow, Scotland group Lloyd Cole & the Commotions released their debut album (a very good one, too), and it ended with the song "Are You Ready to Be Heartbroken?" That song --reeking of cynicism--berated someone (a lover, possibly) for being too optimistic. Twenty-two years later, C.O.'s lead singer Tracyanne Cambell's responds to Cole's cynicism, with a insanely catchy and beautiful melody, sounding like an updated, more soulful, breezier version of the Cardigans.

Here, Cambell states that she's ready to be heartbroken--to brave the world, ready for it to crush her if that happens to be the case, but ready nonetheless. She's got Kenny McKeeve doing a mean Johnny Marr guitar impersonator standing by her side, and some lush strings (borrowed from Dusty Springfield's old producer) and lush harmonies (w/Carey Lander, who crossed the ocean and went to Alabama where she stole the old organ from the Muscle Shoals Sound Studios) to brace her from any hit she'll take. She can't see the long road right now, but that's okay, 'cause the future's bright right in front of her, and she'll walk down that road while she can. Optimism in the face of crushing cynicism--Lloyd, honey, that's what rock and roll's about (well, one of the things it's about. It's what this song's about anyway). It's not, "Don't Worry, Be Happy;" it's "Be Happy; Worry When I Need To." She's not going to let life shut her down. Like fellow Glasgow band Simple Minds once shouted, Cambell and company are alive and kicking.

Fifth Down, Week Six

What a great weekend for pro football! Five games were decided on last minute plays, two previously-winless teams finally got off the schneid, and my fantasy team...well, let's not talk about them right now. Let's stay positive (but then we couldn't talk about my record this week,either) (my predictions in italics).

Bears 17, Falcons 13 - Best end to a game this year: two fantastic finishes. First, Kyle Orton threads the needle to Rasheed Davis at the back corner of the end zone, then rookie Matt Ryan--after the kickoff--is given one play to get his team in field goal range...and he does. Incredible. No other sport can offer drama this intense at a competition level (and athletically-skilled level) this high. Loss. Actual score: Falcons 22, Bears 20

Dolphins 16, Texans 14 - Another fantastic finish, with Schaub calling his own number on a quarterback draw to win the game on the last play. Loss. Actual score: Texans 29, Dolphins 28

Colts 17, Ravens 12 - Primetime Peyton dissected the defense at will, and the Colts' D sure knows how to play with a lead. The offense does, too. Win. Actual score: Colts 31, Ravens 3

Vikings 27, Lions 6 - Detroit's D played solid football. It's offense did not. Win. Actual score: Vikings 12, Lions 10

Saints 31, Raiders 20 - The Raiders have a new head coach. Result? Ask Pete Townshend and Roger Daltry. Win. Actual Score: Saints 34, Raiders 3

Jets 27, Bengals 9 - Bengals defense is looking better than it has since Marvin Lewis began coaching there. Pity the same can't be said of the offense. Win. Actual score: Jets 26, Bengals 14

Panthers 20, Bucs 10 - Tampa Bay (yet again) switches quarterbacks, and Garcia does here what he's done his entire career. Just win, baby. Maybe Al Davis should give Jon Gruden a call. I'm sure Chuckie'd get a kick out of it. Loss. Actual score: Bucs 27, Panthers 3.

Redskins 27, Rams 13 - I never even looked at this one until the last few seconds when the Rams' kicker booted the forty-nine yard field goal to give St. Louis its first win of the year. Washington outpassed them and outrushed them (by over eighty yards), but they turned it over three times. Ouch. Loss. Actual score: Rams 19, Redskins 17

Jaguars 23 , Broncos 20 - Outstanding game, and outstanding work by both offenses. Win. Actual score: Jaguars 24, Broncos 17.

Cowboys 31, Cardinals 30 - Arizona dominated the second half of this game--except for that Marion Barber seventy-yard catch and TD run. Their secondary and D-line played outstanding football, knocking Romo down every other play and rendering T.O. and Jason Witten completely ineffective. Fantastic finish, what with the Dallas field goal that Arizona blocked, only have it called back because Cardinal coach Wisenhunt called timeout to ice the kicker. Next try, the kick is good. Ouch. And then overtime, which marked the first time ever a blocked punt returned for a touchdown ended a game--and a great game, too. Loss. Actual score: Cardinals 30, Cowboys 24

Eagles 27, 49ers 13 - If the Eagles continue to make the massive blunders they made in this game against good football teams, they'll miss the playoffs again this year. This one was much closer than the final scre indicates. Win. Actual score: Eagles 40, 49ers 26

Packers 17, Seahawks 14 - Matt Hasselbeck couldn't go for Seattle in this one, so they started Charlie Frye. Charlie Frye? Really? Really. Win. Actual Score: Packers 27, Seahawks 17.

Patriots 20, Chargers 17 - Wow, was I wrong on this one. Phillip Rivers had an astounding game, and no one from the Patriots did. They looked as if they didn't care. They mailed it in. Loss. Actual score: Chargers 30, Patriots 10

Giants 28, Browns 12 - I was even more wrong on this one. The Super Bowl Champs roll up almost two-hundred yards rushing and lose by three touchdowns. Huh? I wish I would have watched it. Loss. Actual score: Browns 35, Giants 14

Record this week: 7-7
Record this year: 58-29

The 333 Best Pop Songs of the 2000s: #268

#268: "Tonight" (2003) - Sara Evans

Clint Black once sang, “You won’t believe the things a heart can tell a mind;” he was singing of self-deception, one of the many topics troubling “Tonight”’s narrator. You see, what we have here is another cheating song, but this one—this one’s an odd bird. Evans here is positing the strange philosophical trope of cheating as self-awareness. “Know thyself,” Shakespeare once said, but I don’t believe he meant for us to sleep around in order to do so.

Actually, the song’s narrator doesn’t exactly advocate that action either, but consider this: she spends much less time speaking of her object de l’amour than she does struggling with her own culpability—and her own understanding of her own culpability. She spends half of one verse speaking of her feelings for her dark-end-of-the-street partner, and for the remainder of the songs she’s either justifying her actions (“there’s some things only lonely understands,” “Don’t the lies come easy baby when the truth just ain’t worth the fight”), questioning them (“I don’t know what’s wrong baby and I sure don’t know what’s right”), or deceiving herself (“Wrong can feel so right” followed by “I don’t know what’s wrong baby”).

Maybe, though, she’s just trying to understand herself for the first time in her life. Though she’s not quite there yet, not fully free, she’s on the right path; she’s reflecting, and she’s starting to see life, see herself, with the rose-colored glasses—if not completely off her face yet—sliding down the bridge of her nose. She recognizes her weaknesses, and she sees her situation for (at least part) of what it is (“I might just be a sinner wanting to be a saint/One justifies the reasons one understands the pain”). Maybe she’s been stifled (“I’ve held it all together”) for so long, all her life perhaps, that she’s just now beginning to see herself as an independent woman: one with thoughts and desires all her own; one whose thoughts, feelings, and actions will no longer be dictated to her by others; One who is finally beginning to experience herself and freedom for the first time. She's Music Row's Nora Helmer.

Cheating=self-awarness. Self-awareness=freedom. Cheating=freedom. What?!? Surely not. Well, in this case, it fits. What about the family? What about her kids? Well, she wants to leave them, too. Really, she does--in a mainstream country song, at that! It’s all in the song. Go back and listen to it. You won’t believe the things a heart can tell a mind.

Pigskin Prognostications, Week Six

How 'bout them Dawgs! Defeated the previously undefeated Vanderbilt Commodores! Of course, that's only our second win of the year, but hey, man, a win's a win, and this one was against a solid foe.

Don't have much time for talk now, as I've only a little over an hour till kickoff. Here goes:

Bears 17, Falcons 13 - Which one's more important--the dominating defense or the grinding running game? This week, I think it's the former.

Dolphins 16, Texans 14 - Should be a good game, as the Dolphins are looking like they could be a playoff team, and the Texans are improving, too.

Colts 17, Ravens 12 - Which one's more important--the dominating defense or the spectacular passing game? The former, but when the latter's helmed by one of the greatest quarterbacks of ths generation, and the former's quarterback is a rookie, I'm taking the latter.

Vikings 27, Lions 6 - Orlovsky's starting in place of Kitna, and I don't think it'll make a difference, as the Vikings--with Frerotte under center--are looking solid.

Saints 31, Raiders 20 - The Raiders just aren't there yet.

Jets 27, Bengals 9 - After all the improving Cincinnatti has done, Palmer gets himself hurt, and Ryan Fitzpatrick starts in his place against a well-rested Jets team playing at home. Ouch.

Panthers 20, Bucs 10 - Tampa Bay (yet again) switches quarterbacks, but it won't make a difference this week, as the Panthers are a tough team with an offense that can score on the ground or through the air, and a defense that knows how to take a lead and keep it.

Redskins 27, Rams 13 - Jim Haslett starts his reign as St. Louis' head coach against a strong Washington team. If Haslett wants to turn things around in St. Lou, he'll have to wait till next week.

Jaguars 23 , Broncos 20 - Ooh, great game here, as I don't really know which aspect of either team will show itself.

Cowboys 31, Cardinals 30 - Warner's one fire one week and prone to errors the next, so this one--since it's out in the desert, and fall hasn't completely shown its face yet--could be a close win for the birds, or it could be a Jets-like debacle. I'll hedge my bets and make it a close loss for Arizona.

Eagles 27, 49ers 13 - Philadelphia's eager for a win...but so's San Fran. Thing is, though, Philly's got the manpower to beat any team any week, and San Fran...not so much so.

Packers 17, Seahawks 14 - Who knows in this one?

Patriots 20, Chargers 17 - I think the Patriots D stymie the Bolts, and Cassell doesn't turn it over.

Giants 28, Browns 12 - Duh!!!

Fifth Down, Week Five

Really late this week--will explain later, as I've got to type my predictions, too!

This week's games (my original predictions in italics):

Titans 13 , Ravens 10 - Nailed this one to the wall, and Collins indeed proved himself the better quarterback, but then again, Flacco's only a rookie, and he faced the league's best D, and considering that, he didn't fare that bad. Win. Actual score: Titans 13, Ravens 10.

Panthers 20, Chiefs 10 - A slaughter and shut-out; Kansas City is not for real. Win. Actual score: Panthers 34, Chiefs 0.

Bears 24, Lions 13 - Detroit's Kitna got his leash yanked, but it was because of injury. It wouldnt have mattered anyway, 'cause the Lions were overmatched in every aspect of this game. Win. Actual score: Bears 34, Lions 7.

Packers 17, Falcons 14 - Boy, Atlanta sure looks great running the ball--Green Bay must have thought that, too, as they stepped back and watched them do it all game long. Loss. Actual score: Falcons 27, Packers 24.

Colts 31, Texans 20 - Houston's Mario Williams had a heckuva game, and is having a great year, but Peyton Manning made another last-minute comeback victory, where Houston's QB Sage Rosenfels had oee of the biggest choke games of, uh, ever. Win. Actual score: 31-27

Chargers 27, Dolphins 24 - Miami's D is vastly improving. Loss. Actual score: Dolphins 17, San Diego 14

Giants 24, Seahawks 16 - The Super Bowl champs are playing like Super Bowl champs, and the Seahawks--healthier than they've been all season--uh...aren't. Win. Actual score: Giants 44, Seahawks 6

Eagles 24, Redskins 23 - Fantastic game, and Washington just may be the second best team in the NFL right now. Loss. Actual score: Redskins 23, Eagles17

Buccaneers 28, Broncos 17 - Can anyone step up and throw the ball for Tampa Bay? Anyone? Garcia, it's your turn again. Better not turn it over, or you'll meet with another mysterious injury. Loss. Actual score: Broncos 16, Buccaneers 13.

Bills 24, Cardinals 20 - Nothing was wrong about Warner's passing this day. Loss. Actual score: Cardinals 41, Bills 17.

Cowboys 31, Bengals 13 - The Bengals played really well, but like many of their other games this season, they couldn't close. Win. Actual score: Cowboys 31, Bengals 22.

Patriots 17, 49ers 13 - Matt Cassell threw it well when he needed to, and he didn't turn the ball over. Win. Actual score: Patriots 30, 49ers 21.

Steelers 20, Jaguars 17 - Wow, what a game, and wow, what a performance by Ben Roethlisberger, who's on track to having an MVP type season with his gutsy performances. Win. Actual score: Steelers 26, Jaguars 21.

Vikings 30, Saints 27 - How'd I forget to call this one?

Record this week: 8-5

Record this year: 51-22